You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
