My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my shit smells like andre
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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