He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
