No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
