Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
