Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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