This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
