I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
