she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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