Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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