He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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