just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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