Can i not drive my cunt home
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize