We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
