I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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