I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
