grandma shit on top of the toilet
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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