What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
