I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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