my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
