I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
