I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
