went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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