he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So vagazzling was a success
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
