yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
