Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i love accidental penises.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
