Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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