and my herpes radar will keep us safe
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
