TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
