My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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