The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
