the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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