I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
