so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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