god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
