Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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