Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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