Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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