if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
