Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
