The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
