i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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