OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
