This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
