A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
