I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
