i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
