Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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