i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
