When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
