If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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