so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
